I have a
gold compact that used to be my Grandma Rubin’s. It smells like her. I can open it and breathe in the traces of
Clinique loose powder and her signature perfume. When we went through her things in the summer
of 2003 this was a must have for me. To
smell it evokes memories of her kind voice saying “Je t’aime Danielle,” and
distant memories of her satiny tan skin.
Of course, I can also go through boxes of pictures of her brilliant
smile deeply enjoying her family, but it’s these other sensory memories that I
crave the most. These take more to
conjure up and make her past presence in my life more real to me. For now, these images have to suffice as
nothing resembling a camera has been created to capture the smells and touch of
loved ones.
This is what
runs through my head on my last night of what will be my last pregnancy. I can feel our third girl tumbling in my
belly. What was at first just flutters,
like a fish side swiping a tank, has turned into gyrations that feel as if they
could throw me off the couch. Though
this pregnancy has been harder than the others as I battle what feels like carpal
tunnel, intense heartburn, lots of pressure, etc, tonight I am trying to relish
it. It’s strange knowing that such a
fascinating sensation will never be felt again.
These little finger scratches reminding me she’s here, the frequent
kicks reminding me I must make way for her, the punches that make sitting in
meetings more enjoyable as I anticipate her arrival… Of course none of this is any match for
rubbing your nose against the smooth head of your baby or brushing your lips on
chubby cheeks, but it is still an amazing feeling. I look at Avery and Tessa and am amazed that
they once thrived inside of me. I look
at my mom and can’t believe she was my home for nine months, and her mom hers… Women are so lucky to be granted this
privilege even as it comes with months of giving up Riesling and Mountain Dew. Tonight I want to relish these movements for
the last time.
Technology
has come so far, but it still has not found away to capture memories outside of
the sound and visual realm. Perhaps this
is why my favorite recollections come in the form of the smells and feel of the
moments and people I have loved the most.
Perhaps technology would cheapen this nostalgia…
