The other day Avery told me should would like to sign up for
jazz, gymnastics, soccer, softball, Taekwando, track, Girl Scouts and drama
club. It coincided with some thoughts
that have been rolling around in my brain lately. Thoughts that trouble me, confuse me, excite
me, humble me…
I could be
so many things. I could live so many
places. I could read so many books. I could binge watch so many TV series. But ultimately, we have to make decisions - and those decisions forge paths. So many lives to live within this one life
that we get. We like to think of the world as two side by side roads as
described by Frost when really life is more like a road map of LA with more
exits and entrances than we can count. The
single path we ultimately walk comes down to decisions that we make. Some of these decisions are really not as big
of a deal as we make them out to be… Do
I paint our room blue or green? Which
new restaurant should I try out this weekend in Columbia? Sometimes the stakes are higher – like which
restaurants do I eat at during my two days in New Orleans? Which friends do I surround myself with to
become the best person I can be? Do we
stay here forever? In Columbia? In these jobs? In this house?
I think of
past decision points that shaped me. Do
I go to MU or a private college in Chicago?
Do I enroll in the Fellows program?
Do I finish my PhD program? Do we
have a third child? Which building do I
teach at? Are we savers or
spenders? Where do we send our kids to
daycare? To school? And then those decision points which change
us that we don’t get control over – the move to a new state at age 12… the jobs I got and didn’t get… the boy I gave my number to who did call the next day… Every day decisions are made about us and around
us that also steer us – decisions that happen to us.
Sometimes I
feel like I am walking around in this big choose your own adventure book – but
instead of 150 pages there is an infinite number of pages and paths. And we can’t really go back and see what
would have happened if we turned to page 29 instead of 42. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by what any given
decision prohibits. My regret is never
for the past but for potentially unrealized futures. Sometimes I am saddened by the sheer number
of experiences I won’t get. I get angry
at myself for the risks I refuse to take.
Even my reading list can make me sad in moments of reflection. Every new opportunity embraced means millions
of opportunities denied.
I often
think of life as a buffet. I want to
taste as many things as possible during my relatively short time on Earth. But Avery’s request to do so many activities
made me wonder if less experiences really meant richer experiences. Maybe less decisions and less choice and less
doing and less change will make us happier in the long run. If we are to suck the marrow out of life as
Thoreau suggested we might need less on our plate to taste. Instead of focusing on the forks in the road
(or the millions of forks in the road) maybe we should just enjoy the current
path beneath our feet. Perhaps
haphazardness is better. Less control could
be more. Turn only when we really feel like turning – and enjoy the adventure when
someone else changes our course.
So many
lives to live within this life and yet only one - better live it well.
No comments:
Post a Comment