Scenes from my house just yesterday afternoon...
T - “Avery, do you want to play that one game.”
A -“That game on the stairs?”
T - “Yes!”
They run off to the stairwell holding hands while laughing
and cheering.
One minute later…
Vicious screams like ones that could only come from a
prisoner in a torcher chamber – “AGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Avery never lets me be who I want to be!”
A – “I don’t want to play with you while you are
crying. I never get time to myself. I never get to play alone.”
Moments later Tessa is sitting on my lap. Not sure who to side with I go back and forth
between telling her that sisters sometimes need space - this is a bad strategy
as it makes her howl even louder - and telling her that she shouldn’t want to
play with someone who is so mean to her anyway. This is another bad strategy as
she begins howling about how desperately she wants to play with her
sister. Then I ask her why she has been
throwing so many fits lately if she has a good life. This is by far my worst strategy yet as she
rolls around whimpering while repeatedly saying, “I don’t like my life. Avery never lets me be who I want to be.
“
At this point Avery comes in and I say, “Look how sad it
makes her when you won’t play with her.” I realize that Sephus better get home soon to
diffuse some of this drama because I am majorly mucking this up. Avery responds by yelling “NOW SHE HATES ME!”
as she storms out of the room.
As I am realizing how incredibly incompetent I am at
handling their conflict, Tessa agrees to be whomever Avery tells her to be if
she can just play with her. That lasts
about five minutes until the screaming starts again. Avery tells me that Tessa bit her and Tessa
retorts with what she feels is a clear justification. They retreat to separate parts of the house
until I hear Avery approach Tessa in her kindest voice, “I made something for
you at school today.” She hands over the
detective badge she was so proud to have decorated for her little sister, and
they play for about five more minutes until chaos breaks out once again. This time I get smart and shove the IPAD in
Tessa’s hands. She sits on the couch to
watch it. Avery crawls next to her. They sit in such close comfort, heads
touching and legs entwined. I hear
silence, then screaming about who can see it better and then, “I have an
idea! Why don’t we each hold one side of
the IPAD so we can watch it together.”
I look at them all snuggled up together and think, “Holy
*&#% (the bad one).”
Raising sisters is hard.
Especially when you aren’t one. I
spend half my time looking at them with a deep longing bordering on
jealousy. How lucky they are to have
that special love! Since finding out I
was going to have Tessa the mere mention of sisters chokes me up. The sign that hangs in their bedroom about
playing dress up and being best friends sends my heart to my stomach. Listening to sisters give Maid of Honor
speeches does me in. The “Do you want to
Build a Snowman?” song from Frozen makes me melt. The scene where Katniss volunteers for Prim
causes my Hunger Games pages to become wet with tears. Avery and Tessa have a best friend sleepover
every night. They lie in bed rubbing
each other’s hair or hold hands while we drive in the car. Tessa worships the ground Avery walks on and
pretends like she is Avery whenever she can.
Avery approaches her like such a caring teacher passing on what she has
learned in school and life.
The other half the time I look at them and thank my lucky
stars that my parents gave me brothers.
It appears to be a bit like living in an abusive relationship. You never know when you will be bit, slapped
or insulted and when you will be hugged, showered with gifts or caught in fits
of laughter. Often all six happen in a
period of five minutes. I think back to
the screams in the homes of my friends who had sisters growing up over stolen
shirts or messes in the shared bathroom… And yet so many of my friends who have
sisters talk about how badly they want to give their daughter a sister. They talk about how important that
relationship is.
While I was pregnant with Tessa I took a graduate class in
the Psychology Department about the emotional development of adolescents. In it we studied sibling relationships. We were told that the bond between sisters is
the strongest of all human bonds. It is
stronger than the bonds between husband and wife and even mother and
child. They measure family relationships
based on positivity and stringency.
Sisters, thought not necessarily always high on the positive scale,
measure the highest on this stringency scale.
In other words, when they love they love hard, and when they fight they
fight hard. I find this fascinating. I am struck by this intense human experience
that I will never have. I am okay with that. My brothers are amazing, and as Sephus wisely
told me long ago, “Life is full of experiences you will never have.”
However, it leaves me in constant awe as I watch Avery and
Tessa interact. I wonder how Maggie will
fit into this equation. It creates this
odd disconnect as I look at them and know how often they will turn to each
other instead of me and as I realize their conflict will sometimes pit me
against one of them in my desire to defend them and their feelings. I imagine them bitching to each other on the
phone about the latest thing I did to piss one of them off. I imagine secrets I will never share. At the same time, I know that I can rest
easier because of this relationship I am not part of. As they navigate life, and as they become more
and more independent they will still have each other and their love as sisters…
as complicated and messed up as it might
seem to this mom who finds the whole thing lovely and alien at the same
time.
