As I continue plugging away at my dissertation I spend a lot
of time at Panera. I have quickly
learned that this is a favorite hang out for large groups of MU students after
a night of partying. Today I was
especially distracted by a large and mouthy group of young ladies and was so
relieved to see them leave. Imagine my disappointment
when a new group of almost equal size and identical banter took their place as
if this place were an assembly line for pumping out relatively shallow
conversations. I tried to decide if I
was becoming an old crotchety B%&@# or if I was even jealous of this time
in their life that I lived in some form 15 years ago. Then I realized that a lot of my judgment
comes from an overwhelming desire to raise young girls well in a society that
sometimes seems to work against me. That
became my inspiration for penning:
An open letter to the
college girls who hang out at Panera:
1)
First, do yourself a favor and just enjoy your
food. Bagels are tasty, and they are
significantly tastier when you are not discussing the number of calories on
each person’s plate. There is no need to
justify your enjoyment by spelling out the amount of spaghetti squash you ate
this week with nothing but plain tomato sauce (only 70 calories a serving!!!)
or how you skipped all meals since breakfast yesterday. When your friend comes back with a soufflé
don’t say, “I thought you weren’t eating pastries.” That’s mean and really none of your business.
If you are that worried about the calorie count in your meal maybe don’t eat
bread for breakfast or choose to have your morning debriefings about your
drunken fun last night on a trail near your home and get healthy in a way that
doesn’t involve self-hate and abuse.
2)
Maybe don’t make out with so many guys that you
have to duck when a nice looking young man and his dad stop by for their
morning breakfast. It’s not impressive
when that moment inspires everyone to share similar stories from the night
before. I assure you “hooking up” with a
guy never feels as good as you think it will in the long run. Meaningful intimacy with someone you really
love (married or not) will also help raise your self-confidence in a way that cannot be replaced by feeling wanted for one night by someone who probably
would have picked any willing partner with whom he crossed paths. Your worth is not defined by your ability to
attract a partner. Next time you go out,
pretend like your future daughter is hanging out with you, and ask if she would
be proud of the guys you are spending time with. Would she want to call one of them dad? You don’t have to marry every guy you date in
college, but if you cannot say yes to this question then don’t waste your time.
3)
Spend at least ten minutes of these ongoing
meetings talking about things that matter.
Your friendship for each other is so obvious. Use that friendship to talk about something,
ANYTHING other than how drunk you were last night, what clothes/make-up you
want to buy today or how little you try in each of your classes. The older you get the more important and
invigorating you will find deep conversations with people whose opinions you
respect. You might as well start
practicing now so you can see which of your friends you really want to stay
friends with ten or even twenty years from now.
I have a small handful of those friends from college, and they mean the
world to me. Don’t get me wrong, we can
toss around a good party story like the rest of them, but we also know some of
each other’s deepest fears and wishes, what we love about and worry about when
it comes to our families, and which political issues we see eye to eye on and
which ones we can bring up when we need to work out some aggression in a safe
venue. These bonds started early and
came from our willingness to let down our guards a bit and our refusal to be
walking clichés.
4)
I don’t fault you for the things you outwardly
value as evidenced by your interactions and conversations you often have at
Panera. I know that so many of these
values are instilled by a society that also has some “growing up to do.” I know that there is more to you than what I
see and even more to you than what you are willing to let many of your friends
see. Nurture those parts of
yourself. It makes you who you are and
would probably make you a significantly more interesting conversation
partner.
I am sending you this letter not because I was always
“above” all that you portrayed today, but because I was a victim of these
obsessions at times as well. Almost all
the times I felt like I wasn’t good enough over the years came from
conversations like the ones you had this morning among “friends.” Somehow I
just decided I didn’t care enough about the things I was supposed to care about
to keep pretending like I did. I am
almost 100% comfortable now with the fact that I don’t fit in with groups when
they are acting like yours did this morning.
I hope that maybe I can help some of you get there a little faster too. Most importantly, I hope I can my girls
there.
Sincerely –
The Grouch Who Should Be Writing Her Dissertation
AKA Mother of three future college girls who just might hang
out Panera
AKA Danielle Johnson
