On lack of sleep, crazy dreams and a deep love for my husband...

            Last night as I was getting ready for bed I contemplated how each child has made our marriage harder and yet each child has made our marriage that much more important.  Maggie has been refusing to sleep lately so Sephus and I are missing out on our one on one down time before bed.  It is making us grumpy and more often than not in marriage, grumpy with the world means grumpy with each other.  We are lonely for each other’s company and yet too tired to be that.  So that is where my mind was when I drifted off to sleep last night.  This sleep and contemplation was interrupted by a two hour toddler party that ended at four in the morning only because Sephus put Maggie in the car and drove around until she fell asleep.  When the two of them crawled back into bed I was deep in the throws of a soap opera of a dream.

            In my dream Sephus was having an affair.  It was with a teacher aide (who does not actually exist) at the high school where he works.  They were silly in love.  He would sneak off to her under the pretense of going to play basketball with friends or heading to work to make copies and plan lessons.  I must preface that this dream had nothing to do with suspicious behavior on his part or paranoid behavior on my part and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that we have been watching way too much Mad Men.  So even though it was nonsense it seems worth mentioning some important realizations I had because of the dream. 

            The first is that I instantly forgave Sephus.  My goal was to maintain our marriage no matter what.  A brief glimpse, albeit fictional, into life without him made my heart threaten to sink to a depth I would not allow.  My instinct was to rescue us without question.  I also wanted to protect him from judgment from our mutual friends so I refused to talk through our problems with anyone.  Furthermore, the second I found out he immediately ended the affair.  He told the woman that all contact with him must stop.  It seemed like such a great act of commitment (I mean despite having been unfaithful and all) because I knew she made him so happy.  They were in that giggly, can’t wait to spend every waking moment together, I live to serve you stage of love and he gave it up to preserve our family.  She was heartbroken to lose him.  Instead of being angry at her I was sad for her and the man/happiness that she lost.  As dreams often go, I was given a glimpse into their alone time together.  I was in awe and admiration at how she looked at him, how she gently touched his back, at how her interest in what he had to say was consuming.  I wanted to start living in such a way that I made him that happy.  I wanted to be giggly in love again. 

            This was a funny dream to have six days before our 12th anniversary.  Twelve years… Marriage is not easy.  After a lifetime committed to self-preservation we suddenly have to make all decisions with another person in mind.  Sephus has always been better at this than me, and I love him for being patient with me during these 12 years of continuing to realize that.  I consider marriage the most challenging and rewarding joint venture I have ever taken part in - even harder than parenting in many ways because of the equal status awarded the two players.  It is hard, sometimes, to remember that the person who is your fellow combat soldier in the nighttime "just go to bed" war, the piles of laundry war and the mounting bills war can also be the person that you laugh with and rush to be with as two careless teens in love.  I have been guilty of letting the parenting expectations and shared dinner responsibilities trump our responsibilities to each other as husband and wife.  

The interesting thing about dreams is that we author them.  They allow us space to try out our greatest fears, achieve our unrealized dreams and explore people we might become.  We must remember that we are also authors of our life.  If I want to be the person I watched Sephus be in love with then there are conscious decisions I can make every day to put him before me.  To navigate another human’s needs and desires while maintaining yourself is no easy task.  However, it is worth every second.  Though there are moments when we can’t stand one more moment together, we cannot bare the thought of a lifetime apart.  I simply cannot imagine a me without him in it - a family without the man that will get in his car at 4 AM to help a rebellious toddler succumb to sleep.  I thank my dream therapy for the simple appreciation of someone who deserves so much more.

We will not be able to celebrate on Sunday because for the second time in our 12 year marriage I share this special day with Fathers everywhere.  However, I am hoping to sneak off to dinner with him Monday night.  In light of this dream and our demanding schedule as of late I have something resembling first date excitement.  It made me want to be a better wife.  I want to be the wife he deserves.  I want to be someone he wants to sneak off to be with.  I want giggling in love.  I want to write our love story.  There are many chapters left to dream and live.  

Happy Very Twisted Early Anniversary Seph!  I love you.