Meeting Strangers on the Dolphin Boat
Over three years ago a friend of mine with two children
asked me what life was like with three kids, and I told her that I had actually
been contemplating that question as a blog topic. She then asked me to get on writing that
because she needed to read it. I think
most people always think one more child than they have is crazy. Many couples know exactly how many they want,
and the decision to stop is an easy one for them. Others, like us, find (or found) themselves
on the fence. I was never sure if this
friend sought affirmation that her decision to have two was the right one, or
if she was on that fence like we were before finding out we were pregnant with
number three.
It has
taken me over three years to write that promised blog, and it is largely
because of the brutal honesty I knew the post would entail. Having three kids is really hard (or for
others reading this maybe I mean having one more than when you were satisfied - life was good but you were on the fence
about that one last baby – that bonus baby…).
You never feel like you have your life together once you have your bonus
child. As a result, there will be
moments when you look at the family before bonus baby and worry that you messed
that family up. You look at bonus baby
(mine is currently eating cereal straight from the box while she watches
Netflix so I can write this) and worry that you totally messed her up by basically
surrendering in the last parenting round.
At this point you proved you could raise decent children, but it’s hard
work. If you throw in the towel with the
bonus child no one will really judge you, right?
On top of
bonus children being inherently hard, ours was uniquely challenging. After two pretty uneventful pregnancies my
third caused my blood pressure to temporarily spike, ignited a bout of carpal
tunnel that has been intermittently plaguing me for over three years and pushed
me over the edge knee pain wise. After
two who more or less slept when and where they were supposed to, Maggie was a
TERRIBLE sleeper. I constantly tell
people our inability to sleep train her reminded me to stop judging other
parents who were just not trying hard enough at any random parenting
skill. Maggie was born with a hemangioma
that instantly meant working in frequent dermatology appointments and had tubes
in twice by the time she was two years old.
In her three years she has gone to three different daycares and is currently
in one that cuts our workday short and costs a fortune. I could go on about
juggling schedules, and workload, and exhaustion and laundry, and clutter, but
if you have seen the bags under my eyes or stepped into my house since 2011 you
get it. If you have a bonus child, you
really get it…
Luckily,
for us, our bonus child is also about the cutest, funniest, most energetic,
strong-willed and (at risk of bragging) intelligent toddler on the planet. (Actually all of those things are general
causes of some of the struggle but that’s another post…). She also has the biggest blue eyes and white
blonde hair. She literally turns heads
wherever we go. I have never had so many
strangers stop me to comment on a child as I have with Maggie. Just last week she was chatting it up with
some strangers on a dolphin boat in Alabama.
I apologized for her incessant talking and they said, “Oh no! She’s beautiful. Those eyes – and her excitement about
life! She’s truly beautiful.” I found myself reflecting on how often she
makes people smile on a regular basis. I
thought about her genuine joy as she does big things like crashing in waves for
the first time, but also in everyday things like marshmallows in cereal. I reflected on the laughter she causes and
the way she warms my heart. I thought of
the moments I have watched her sisters’ hearts grow because of her. In that exact moment, I realized she makes
our life enriched and interesting and snuggle-filled and hilarious, but as I
have for the past three years, as if my mission in life was finding the answer
for others on the bonus child fence, I found myself asking, “but is our life
better?”
Fast
forward to last night when we were having a large family dinner and people were
stressed and snippy and she sensed it.
In the middle of the tension, she yelled, “I know this is a horrible
meal, but I’d like to join it!” (I
should have mentioned earlier that she has the most adorable innocent yet
emotional filled squeaky voice, and it is one of a million things that keep me
enamored with her amidst the frustration.)
Everyone sat in silent surprise for about two seconds, and then we burst
into laughter and the typical banter and noise of plates passing and utensils
clicking began. She was just what we needed
just when we needed it. It suddenly
occurred to me what a stupid question it was that I had been pondering for
almost three years. Stupid because the
answer is obvious and at the same time, stupid because I thought something as
complicated as the decision to add another child to a family could be boiled
down to a black or white question and answer.
Our family
was perfect before Maggie, but it’s perfect now too. The decision to have a bonus child (if it is
even yours to make) is not an easy one.
But if you decide to go for it, I promise there will be moments, amidst
the chaos, where you realize you’ve never been surer of any decision you have
ever made.
Meeting Strangers on
the Dolphin Boat
