Today I finally articulated something that I have wanted to say for awhile but couldn’t quite put into words. I had come close in my head, but the sentiment about what plagues me on a regular basis was always just on the tip of my tongue. It was lacking perfect words. Today I found them. “Even on my best day I’m never as good as my intentions.” How do you find peace when you are someone whose big intentions haunt you on a daily basis? How do you lay down at night and say, “job well done friend - or at least job well enough done.”
Lest you think this is a post secretly begging for validation, it’s not. At least not in the obvious way. I don’t need compliments or “I don’t know how you do it alls.” I get my fair share of those throughout the day. And I appreciate those shout outs. Trust me. I really do. The validation I am looking for is more in the form of a mirror. Who else feels this way? Who else can throw a well appreciated shower that looks good to the outside eye but to your eye lacks that final table centerpiece you wanted to throw together the day of that you never got to? Who else often throws parties knowing you have the ingredients in the fridge for that one last dish you just didn’t get to so your spread looks sparse to you? Who has cards lying around the house chosen for people you love but not addressed in enough time to have it make sense any longer? Who else loves their friends and family dearly but can never get around to actually writing thank you cards for all the wonderful ways they make your life better? Who else? Who else?
On a daily basis I chastise myself for never publishing my dissertation research, for having a messy classroom, for not using the spinach up before it went bad, for not implementing every good teaching practice I know for every kid each day. The list goes on and on despite all the great I know I’ve done. When people compliment me for doing this or that the list of what I wanted to do but didn’t is conjured up in my mind. I linger between wanting a swift kick in the butt from people who aren’t nearly as hard on themselves and wanting to accept that this is who I am and the benefits are worth the cost. I hear the character quoting Robert Browning I got to portray in a high school reminding that a man’s reach should always exceed his grasp. But if we do that, how and when can we sit back and bask in the glory of success?
This isn’t a post of wisdom. This is a post of vulnerability. If there is a lesson to be learned I hope it’s that even those among us who seem to have it all together are just as much of mess inside. I hope it shows that no one does it all. Our alls are all different.
But we all do some things. And that’s something… I hope to sleep on and toast to that.
