Today on the way home from dance
Avery became upset about something she was not allowed to do last week. In typical Avery fashion, she was deeply
caught up in the tragic unfairness of it all.
She wondered out loud, “Maybe bad things keep happening to me because I
don’t like myself or maybe it’s just that I don’t know myself.” It was all I could do not to laugh out
loud. I figure this was probably not the
most logical instant reaction, but I found humor in the depth of such a comment
coming from such a young brain. Aren’t
these the very issues we grapple with through the toughest parts of our lives…
the big transitions… The more I thought
about it the more I realized the comment really wasn’t funny. It was a moment that caused me pause as I
contemplated some interesting conundrums all parents face.
This child raising is risky
business. Any parenting style comes with
consequence – for you, your child, their future children and all people who
come into the lives of each of the latter.
For some reason it came up twice last week that I was a tad bit spoiled
when it came to some material things. I
was given 18 (yes 18) Cabbage Patch Kids through the course of my
childhood. The second time it came up in
a matter of days I felt compelled to defend my parents and their parenting
choices. I added that we were also
spoiled with love and praise, and the result was assertive, outgoing
adults. I often describe our
assertiveness this way; if we are in a room full of people and only two will
get their needs met, we make sure we are among those two. (Not to say we don’t care deeply about the
needs of others because being raised with so much love created a nurturing side
as well.) The person I was talking with
followed this up with the recent report that incoming college students have
never been more confident according to self-reporting scales or less competent
according to standardized tests. The
trophy for everyone, you can do anything, all are special mindset is to blame. Were my parents wrong to make us think we
walked on water?
I don’t think so. The confidence we were instilled with caused
us to thrive and survive. I am not sure
we could have gotten through a move to a whole new town during the most tumultuous
of adolescent years if we did not have slightly inflated egos. Surely athletes who push themselves are
confident to the point of cockiness. The
doctors who discover never tried before life-saving cures have an arrogance and
stubbornness that allow them to proceed despite risks.
Listening to Avery wonder if she didn’t
like herself, or just didn’t know herself, reminded me of just how important it
is to raise self-confident children. I
was once told to not tell my girls they were pretty too often or it would go to
their heads. In this often cruel world,
I hope it does. Recently the girls and I
were talking about what would happen if someone was allergic to candy. Without thinking, I said, “Well that person
would be skinny.” Immediately, I
regretted it. I struggle with how to
talk to them about making healthy choices without making fat be the ultimate
undesirable confidence of not eating well.
I don’t want them to think that is the most terrible thing, because I do
want them to know that I like myself. At
the same time, I do want them to be healthy.
What I am getting at is this...
Every parenting style, every way we frame the world for our children, has
consequences. Some might feel I should
make the correlation between overeating and weight very clear to my kids. Some might call my brothers and I spoiled
brats. Ultimately we have to go with
what feels right to us. Perhaps this
generation of overly confident college freshmen will have the courage to be the
next great generation. Maybe the
standardized tests have not kept up with growing skills needed to thrive in
today’s world. Maybe we shouldn’t spend
so much energy figuring out how each generation is worse than their parents while
blaming the predecessors for the failure.
My parent’s style felt right to them.
It was intentional as well. My
dad told me that he wanted us to win a few battles with them now and then so we
could learn to win necessary battles outside the home. Some would say that this may have led to us
being overindulged, but I don’t think so.
We are also amazingly hard workers (modeled to us through example) and I
don’t think that would be true if we didn’t somehow pick up discipline despite
being showered with goodies from time to time and unconditional love all the
time.
These thoughts and more flashed
through my head as I slowly approached home this evening. Avery interrupted my mind wander with a hesitant,
“I do think I know myself.” I quickly
asked her, “Do you like yourself?” “I
guess so…” she decided. I hope that whatever choices I make as a parent, more
often than not they help her slowly gain
her voice as she answers that same question positively and certainly.
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